AdoredWhore

I met a man, by chance, that would change my life. Never in a million years did I think I would have a chance to be myself. Never. I have always made concessions for every other person in my life. I put everything I wanted and needed on the back burner. I was so used to it that I didn’t know how if felt to be loved, to be truly loved. Love is sacrificial. It should be sacrificial both ways. It should be give and take. It usually isn’t.

He understands my emotions, my passion, my insecurities, my sexuality, my crazy, and my spirituality. He loves me in a way that I didn’t think was real. I have been a giver, a pleaser, my whole life. It makes me fulfilled to do for others. I want to be everything to the man that holds my heart. He holds my hands through my “adventures”, through the maze of emotions, and guides me gently. He pushes me but never to the breaking point. He has never failed me and that is something I am not used to. When I am too weak to stand, he holds me up and carries me if I can’t walk.

I love sex. I know you think you do too but I mean I really love it. It makes me happy. It makes me fulfilled. It makes me complete. I don’t just love sex, I love to do all the things that most women won’t do. I love it all. I like rough sex. I like to be used. I like to be passed around. I am up for just about anything at any time. I have always been like this but it is attached to a stigma. Sex is so primal. It is the reason every single one of us is here on this planet. It is as necessary as any other innate human behavior.

I let go during sex. I am ever present in the moment. Everything else can melt away and my body takes over and does what it is supposed to do, what it needs to do. The closest thing I can equate it to, in my experience, is a runner’s high. I have been with so many men that can’t believe the things I will do, the things that I like to do. Men are willing to be that safe space for you to explore your sexuality, you just need to build trust. Once you do, you will be released as well.

We are all freaks in one way or another. One thing I have learned is that one person’s sexual freakness is no different than mine. While I can’t understand why someone wants to smell my feet, they may not understand why I want to be slapped across the face. This is what makes sex amazing. It’s give and take. It’s a journey. I can’t get enough. So I began my journey to sexual freedom. This man I have fallen in love with has given me freedom. He allows me the freedom to be myself. The more I become myself, the more he loves me. He has never judged me for a single thing I have brought to him.

He is my Master. I am his Servant. I am so very loved and adored by him. It shocks me sometimes. I am in awe of his love for me. He keeps me safe, protects me at every turn during every adventure. He is proud of the woman I am becoming. Our relationship and it’s dynamics are unique to us and our needs and that is how every relationship should be. I have found the glue that binds my broken soul. I am thriving. The trust alone is staggering.. To be owned is to be freed.

My first 50 years I was just about the same as everyone else. Raised in a conservative, middle class household under the shroud of Orange County California, behind the curtain. I found my sexuality at 12. I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know where it belonged. It was not to be talked about. When I was finally able to get past the insecurities and the shame, I indulged in the sexuality I was hiding. There was a freedom that came along with it. My first partner and I explored everything we could think of. I found that I absolutely loved sex. It was an art form to me. I thought about it all the time. He indulged me and gave me a safe place to explore.

I moved out of state for my first year of college. Family turmoil was at it’s worst. I had left one bad situation and found myself in another. My only solace was my sexuality. Sex was my refuge away from an abusive home. I was in a small town far away from the OC atmosphere. I was considered different, bold, aggressive, trouble…. for a girl. I returned to the OC in less than a year and found myself back home. I was back in the abuse. I needed to survive and a girl in 1991 survives by getting married and moving out. Being married was safe, constant, and secure.

My first husband let me stay wild. He didn’t try and reign me in. He let me fly free. I didn’t understand the dynamic at the time. I wanted a little of everything. I wasn’t being fulfilled emotionally and decided I couldn’t live without the emotional intimacy he was incapable of giving. We separated, got back together and then I decided I needed to move on. I took someone else’s husband with me. This was a shame that changed me.

I spent the next 15 years being completely faithful raising 7 kids. I ran my own business so I could spend more time being able to take care of the kids. I was that mom. I was PTA President, Team Mom, Sunday School teacher, Girl Scout Leader, Cub Scout Leader and so much more. I spent all my free time committed to other people’s children. I did all of this while doing to majority of the house repairs and managing a household of 9. I didn’t have time to think about my sexuality.

I was too much for my second husband and not enough all at the same time. We separated as he wouldn’t stay faithful. After the death of my brother, I jumped into another relationship, long distance, that lasted almost 4 years. I spent 4 years being told that he would eventually be able to give me what I wanted and needed sexually. I am not sure why I thought there would be some sort of change. I received lots of promises of him moving closer to me but it never came to fruition. He is unable to see his dysfunction through his addiction behavior. I knew it was just a matter of time.

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